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Books: Memoirs of Hadrian. Therese Raquin. Decline + Fall. Beryl The Peril Xmas Annual 1970. How To Kill + Dispose of TV Chefs. If I Said You Had Firm Haunches, Would You Cut Off My Air Supply in an Act of Sexual Aggression + Madness? - Enid Blighton.

Movies: Ben Hur. The Producers - Mel Brookes. A Man For All Seasons. Death in Venice. Brief Encounter. Amadeus. Dr Jeckyll + Mr Hyde - Fredrick Marsh. Whatever Happened To Baby Jane. The Piano Teacher - Isabelle Hupbert. Mommy Dearest. Ten Rillington Place. Christopher Nupen's Documentaries about Mr Ashkenazy. Hylda Baker in the Nearest + Dearest DVDs. Double Indemnity. Threads. The Caesars - Fredie Jones/Andre Morrell. Max Wall on stage!!! And billions more. HOROWITZ.

Music: Chopin, Mozart, Beethoven, Rachmaninov, Schubert, Schumann, Brahms, Tchaikovsky, Bach, etc., etc!! I love so much music - Chad and Dave, Mrs Mills, Russ Conway, Rimsky-Suckmycock.

Hobbies: I enjoy washing my plastic cactus and spending time imagining what it must be like to be in outer space. I am president of the Myra Hindley Fan Club and am myself criminally insane. I'm very independent and sometimes get 2 buses into the city centre on my own. Occasionally, I enjoy pouring sand into my mother's Collard + Collard, just to see if it affects the 'tone'; I can often be seen trailing along at the tail end of domonstrations against 'The Abolition of Fly Sprays in Public Places', dressed as a large bluebottle, with home-made wings and a paper-mache proboscis.

I am a big fan of Vladimir Ashkenazy, the great Russian pianist and Maestro. I dedicate my comic curios to him; I know he's got a good sense of humour [I think?], and that he is also a well-rounded, warm human being, who owns a wide assortment of hot water bottles and expansile napkin holders to prove it! My gran, who's nearly 103 now, says: "He's got a lovely touch only, .... I think he uses the loud pedal a bit too much, because let's face it, he gets away with MURDER - wrong notes every other bar; I think I prefer Russ Conway on the quiet." And aunt Dolly says: "Oh yes, he's got a nice tone but I wish he'd play something with a bit more go in it." And a pal: Stan [who's completely tone deaf] says: "I've often been asked along to one of Mr Ashkenazy's recitals but I can't tell Mahler from Monteverdi and personally, I'd rather listen to triangle; it's altogether a more serious instrument for self expression. My hobbies include opening tins of Baxters' soups wearing just white boxer shorts, and I enjoy dressing up in a full veil then getting it ripped off me by a group of white lads. Also, stroking my sister's friend's hamster in rubber gloves is a delight; the hamster's called: 'Zebidee', actually.

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